My Battles, My Angels!
“Papa, I will be home in morning!”
Not realising what had happened on the other side, my father was happy to hear this on the telephone but more concerned to know why I was coming home suddenly unplanned on a long bus ride on a frosty December night!
Dec 18, 2000 – as the world was setting up nicely for the first Xmas break of millennium, I was studying at Career Point Kota to make a mark in Engineering Entrance exam for summer of 2001. As I woke up in the morning and was busy with daily chores before rushing to early morning classes, I realised my water-spitting process while brushing my teeth had gone wrong. I was not able to hold water in my mouth. Not even realising what could have happened, I just ignored and cycled my way to coaching. The few hours in class made me very uncomfortable as I was trying to control a strong irritation in my right eye which had become motionless.
The teacher cracked a joke and I laughed out loud. Again discomfort. In my laugh? Yes!
My close friend pointed out a tilt in my face which was moving at one side only when I laughed. I realised something was wrong and rushed to the doctor after classes got over. I was told I had suffered Bell’s Palsy on the right hand side of the face, which is also referred to as Facial Paralysis in common knowledge.
This was the mildest start of the horror and mental trauma that lasted for next few years!
Until of course I realised this is going to be my lifelong friend and I don’t have option to whine about it, but just accept.
I moved back to my hometown and went through multiple forms of treatment- ayurvedic allopathic acupuncture to name a few. Nothing helped me regain my face and more so my shattered composure and confidence to deal with public. I started to hibernate myself and avoided eye contact with anyone I met for the next 6-8 months. Suicidal thoughts were running all over me every passing hour! When a young 20-year lad who has just finished school with excellent grades and was looking to get into prestigious colleges, this was the last thing he expected!
A slanted face, a non-blinking static eye, a broken smile, a forehead that doesn’t move with eyebrows, difficulty in eating as your jaws are not aligned – and a shattered self-belief in anything. The world seemed like the darkest place and any human interaction sounded like a punishment! Why? Because you can’t speak with flow, you can’t laugh, you can’t express your emotions – 7th cranial nerve damage of the face has taken away basic facial and mouth functions- and there was no silver lining in sight. I didn’t know where to go!
I wrote my engineering entrance in summer 2001 and did decently due to my past preparations – shifted to my new base in NIT Calicut, Kerala. But how to settle or make friends in a completely new setup 2500 KM away from home with this state of mind and face? I knew none there except a school senior cum close friend from my neighbourhood. One more battle was my language – I always studied in native Hindi Medium, so an extra layer of problem was waiting to unfold.
As I reached the campus, dealing with people and their judgements started to hurt slowly and it started to shatter me more –
‘This guy looks dangerous with that smirk!’
‘Why is he always so serious?’
‘Why does he see elsewhere when he talks?’
‘Why does he wink when we speak?’
The world was becoming more and more intimidating for a broken soul; it started to deeply impact my academics – as I had started to avoid classes and books.
All I wanted was to HIDE somewhere in a dark room! Period.
Somehow, silver linings came – in the form of some lifelong friends – who pat on my shoulder and asked – ARE YOU OK?
I got the courage to share my state of mental health with few friends who had shown the empathy and offered their ears. Also I got emotional support from two of the faculty members who helped me to find a good doctor and therapy in Calicut Medical College!
Things slightly started moving – not much outside, but more inside. I got the little mental boosters through my cricket ground outings in college matches and friendlies; a medium fast bowling that became slightly lethal, may be my unconscious way to channel my stored and un-used energy deep inside!
I started realising that the world has acceptance for all types of humans – you just need to find your mojo and align with the right people and environments.
18-Dec-21 – Full Twenty-One year’s have gone by today – as I ponder upon that past, I realise the struggle was truly real and I persisted, or I survived only due to those silver lights who came my way – who pulled me out. Those friends are my lifelong treasures!
I still have same face and same smirk – it’s broken! I can’t smile without pulling the inactive side artificially up to make it look slightly symmetric. A small battle for most joyous part of your day-to-day life – SMILE!
But what’s intact is my spirit to fight every battle that’s worth – and give it your best.
Those 12-18 months of going through all of it – made me mentally tough and unshakable in most demanding situations of the life today – personal or corporate! The journey had been fruitful and the support system around of family and friends made it last.
Tough situation doesn’t last, tough people do!
Why am I writing this?
Everyone you meet is fighting some battle, be kind to everyone and give them a nudge if you feel they might be better with a pair of ears listening to them! Not all disabilities are visible from naked eyes and being empathetic is the key.
Love all, hate none!
Disclaimer: Please note that views expressed are person’s own and should not be considered a recommendation of particular medical treatments, therapies or surgeries. We would always advise you seek advice from a health professional with experience in facial palsy who can assess your individual needs.